Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
