I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
