yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
