My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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