I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
