I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
