I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
