she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
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Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
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I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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