He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
