theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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