So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
