Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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