Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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