Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
