His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
