i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
