I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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