I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
