Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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