Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
