Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
