Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
