the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
