What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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