Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
