Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
