I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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