I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
