i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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