i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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