If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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