i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
