there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
