Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
