Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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