Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
