Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
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I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
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