youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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