I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
its liver damage thursday
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
