My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
