I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
