Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
