I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
