when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
