If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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