Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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