i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
