god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
