Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
