I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
