Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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