if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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