We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
