I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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