why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
