Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Randomize
